D1 Starting again (26/1/08)

I know it’s only me reading this, but i thought i should mention that after taking a very extended break after realising just how effing long it will take to transcribe all of my diaries, i’ve decided to cherry-pick bits and pieces. I don’t really need an eternal record of me listening to the radio. That said, i will include EVERY time i mention baked beans, because i was kind of obsessed.

26/1/08
2:20am

28/1/08
2:32am

There seems to be a running trend of writing this time of night. Went and saw Juno with Jess R. yesterday.. Saturday. It’s now Monday but meh. Either more people were staring at me than usual or i was just noticing more because Jess and her family were rather unused to this sort of attention so it was brought to my attention. Jess claims she likes hanging with me because everyone looks. Ah, the blessing of not conforming to the country mentality. Oh, and i got a toy unicorn from the Warehouse. It smells like new Teachers Pets and i’ve named it Nikki, after Nikki Sixx, who not only is good looking and fucking cool but also insired the very existence of this diary.

Those dreams i had yesterday morning were freaky weird. Least i’m finally having my normal types of dreams again- i was kinda unnerved by the lack of brutally insane, vicious murders and the numerous people being devoured by animals. i thin yesterdays body count was at least 50. Mind you, one dream was about a possessed psycho killer who had built up a team of helpers and then he was killed but ended up at sea- leading to more carnage- and then it started again. That dream seemed to go for a lifetime. I just remember this one image of a slightly decomposed little girl with a floral dress lying in this desolate sort of dead farm in the middle of nowhere. There were paddocks of long, golden grass surrounding her and she lay by a well which was about 10 meters from their derelict house. Her parents were dead in there. It had been a sort of massacre. And near the little girl lay a doll. This place was so dry and dusty. So alone. The attack happened at night and the mother was screaming out to the girl to run but she had nowhere to go. There was just so much fear and sadness. The screams pierced the empty night. It was so quiet. Damn it’s good to have my dreams back.

29/1/08

Yet another uneventful day. Overslept as usual. Wanted to get up at 7. Fell asleep round 4:30am so instead woke up round 2pm as usual. Goddammit. I actually haven’t been feeling that bad the last few days. Ok. One day, but i haven’t had a severe episode in six fucking days, man. Hell yeah \m/. It’s 12:21 am and i’m already all tuckered out. I can feel hurt inside of me again. Tomorrow will probably be a shit day. Fuck it, i’m gonna tell mum school don’t start til Thursday (whether it does or doesn’t) so i don’t have to go back til Friday. I think i only have three lessons that day so i ain’t missing much.

I wonder if it’s necrophilia if you fuck a zombie?

10:44pm

I’m so fucking hungry and could really go for some chicken nuggets. So very hungry, I don’t want a pie, 2 min noodles or baked beans or pancakes or Weet-bix. This shit is all i’ve been eating for the last 3 weeks. Christ i’m hungry. When i was on the net down at mums today i was happy and having fun. The second i step back into this room, a wave of melancholy comes over me again. It’s like my body’s trained to recognise that this room holds nothing but my isolation from people and reality.

Fuck it. I’m hungry. I’ll eat anything.

Beans, beans, the magical fruit
Te more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot the better you feel
So eat your beans for every meal.

I’ve never agreed on any aspect of the tooting but i do feel better having my first meal of the day. Ahh, but so sleepy… but still, hungry (considering i’ve eaten a fork of beans, that’s no real surprise).

Motherfuck!! It feels like there’s razors and needles in my stomach when i move. That was horrible and random. Ahh, everyone else is starting school tomorrow but not me. I think i deserve the extra two days off… i’ve worked hard.

30/1/08
12:05 am

Christ. WTF is going down with my stomach. Damn.

3:35 am

Was out talking to Issac again. In an attempt to find better reception i ventured round the yard and ran into a car or something. My knee is all scabbed and swollen now. Not fucking cool, man. Christ, need a new phone. This is just fucked. I think the stomach thing’s coming back again. I better go to sleep- mum’s coming up at 10.

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