D1 22/01/08

22/01/08

2pm
Woke up an hour ago and didn’t get to sleep until 4. Ah, woe is me. Anyway, i sent Pig another message. What would it take for him to reply? He still has my cd’s so i ain’t gonna let him disappear on me. He replied with “righto”. Fuck i hate this guy. It’s very hard to play nice when this guy is such a dick! Haha, he hates me (ooh, alliteration).

Aw. Apparently my text was rather insulting.. Now he thinks i assume we’re still “going out”. Haha, fuck off! Never were, retard.

Ok this must be written down. The insulting message was “teehee, oh ur such a fucking arsehole. Oh sweety, i just LOVE it when you hold me down. Mmm, oh yes, i’m “so getting off” on it.. Haha, fool”. Turns out he was insulted because i called him a fool.

4:13pm
As odd as this sounds, i kinda miss Clostar obsessing about my “adorable little twinkly toes” Aw, she was so cute.

8:41pm
Trying to kill time before FMR. I feel kind of sick, too, but i haven’t even eaten anything bad..er than usual, anyway. I have taken the icing sugar hostage and i do plan on devouring it.

Hey, since Angelspit are relocating to Aus, i wonder if they’ll do shows? Damn, they’d better. When i think about it, i didn’t actually do that bad live band wise. I mean, i saw Thirsty Merc (for the 4th time), Behind Crimson Eyes, Silverchair, Frenzal Rhomb (sorta), Blue Juice (sorta), Deprivation, Daysend, Stone Sour, Sydonia, The Spazzys, Manson, Paul Kelly and a bit from that Beach Boys guy.Mind you, out of all that, only 8 were bands i liked/now like. I swear, Korn better tour this year. Same with W13.

Bad Joke: How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? 
                 The drill slipped.
Yay! I texted it to Haugy and he read it out.

23/1/08

1:08am
Voot Voot! I finally made it through an entire FMR. With any luck i might be able to go to Metalstock with Piggard. Hey, i’d do anything for music. Iron Maiden are really growing on me. True Story. Fuck, it’s hot in here.

At least with this diary shit i can keep track of my thoughts from each day, which may help me work out why i’m so depressed all of the time. I wonder if that’s why i was happier today? ‘Cause my thoughts were down on paper, so i don’t think about it as much? And i suppose a lot of my depression is loneliness and my inability to truly trust people? So, in a way, this stupid book is my only friend? I mean, this thing is giving me a purpose, something slightly constructive (more than sleeping all day..which i do anyway). My only company is this pen and paper. Damnit, it would be so much better if i could convert my thoughts into songs and poetry. But no, all of my poems sound like juvenile emo, and i’ve never even tried a song as i wouldn’t know what to do?

4:58pm
Actually woke up to my alarm today, but was tired so went back to sleep. Woke up at 2. Didn’t get up til 4. What am i going to do in a week when school starts again? The bread is gone and now i’m hungry again. Fuck, i’m gonna be fat in a years time.

Keep checking Angelspit site- Touring Sydney 28th June with BAAL.

Why is it that i’m so very seldom happy, but those are the days people feel it most necessary to make me feel like shit? Damn that bugs me… And makes me cry… Fucking pussy.

I’ve decided we’re going to see Rambo for my birthday. Fucking love Rambo. That dude is God.

Self mutilation is so boring. You cut, you bleed, you scab, you heal. So meh. It’s more fun when you’re with other people.

25/01/08

1:52am
I wonder when Australia Day is? Around four hours after writing the above statement. I currently lie here with cuts on my legs and stomach. Just because it’s boring doesn’t mean i can’t still do it. Issac texted. Really wants me to go see Chloe with him.
 
3:17am
Just got off the phone with Issac. Damn that kid’s randomly cool. Flipping reception.

NOTE: Better reception in bathroom than standing on table in backyard.

 


 

So, i’ve had a few people ask why exactly i still talked to Texas, and this entry kind of says it. When he left my house, he took two cd’s with him, both rarely listened to, and one of which was a burnt copy. So, in any other situation their loss wasn’t exactly going to shatter my world, but in this case, it did. Even thinking about them made me want to scream and throw up. I later worked out that i was so upset about the cd’s, not because i loved them, but because it made sense to be upset about the loss of a physical thing. When i was accidentally assaulted, i was not left bruised and battered. I was walking around, like normal. People were treating me as if nothing had happened. How can you justify such a great feeling of loss and sadness, when nothing was physically taken? When i eventually did have them returned (spoiler alert!!), i felt so much relief, as if now that i had these cd’s, i was allowed to move on.

However, all of that said, part of me was still so desperate for a friend, or really, for anyone to talk to me, that i would willingly engage with this person who i despised, because at least it was somebody. My school friends hadn’t really spoken to me since the holidays started, and were still pissed that i didn’t think Chloe would (or should) live. Funnily enough, i was the only person that would visit her in hospital while she was down there for over a year.

Which leads me to the diary. Sadly, what i have written is true- it was basically all of my social interaction. As well as the lack of friends, i wasn’t leaving the house at all, and as i was staying at my dads, i might see another human every few days. I was still self harming a lot, but nowhere near as much- it had stopped being a daily thing, although, now that i think about it, this could have been helped by the fact i wasn’t at school. I was starting to become stronger.

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